hi :)

My neighbors probably think I’m crazy from the random Dylan/Sun Kil Moon/Solange/Curb Your Enhusiasm that I’ve been blasting for the past few weeks. I’ve shut myself in, recording random drums and writing random things. Being out on campus for more than 5 hours makes me feel weird. I go to social things and leave early. I try to keep to-do lists but I lose them after a few minutes. I have these guitar riffs and things but the words don’t sound right.

The other night I sat up in bed thinking and crying and mumbling to myself like a crazy loon. I had this one composition stuck in my head and I couldn’t get it out and I knew if I started working on it I wouldn’t sleep and I needed to sleep and I needed to sleep and I couldn’t get this one composition out, anyways. But I’m doing cool things!

I picked up a writer’s gig at RIT’s Reporter Magazine; I’ve got an article on the new library coming out, as well as one on LGBTQIA+ at RIT and their thoughts on those getting stoned to death for gay sex out in Brunei. It’s a wild time. Two of my digital pieces, if a tree falls on u and either/or are being published in gl-ph issue 00 coming out in a few weeks. Those are both some mega personal things that I made just for me while procrastinating on some boring assignments. Sometimes I can’t do anything but create; anything at all film music coding minecraft journals poetry blog posts. And if I don’t make anything I feel depressed and unaccomplished and almost useless. Like even when I finish a creative writing assignment, I feel like “why did I make that, what’s the point? A B+? Did I learn anything new?” Usually not.

I have this pit in my stomach telling me to gtfo. Just leave. A Greyhound a plane a hitchhicking Jack Karouac blaze, whatever. But I can’t, I’ve got assignments to complete. And people to help. How do you find a balance between doing things and doing what you want to do? I can’t seem to figure it out.

I got a Community Impact Award too, the ceremony’s Thursday and my professor Tom is coming to hang out. I don’t really want to go because it sounds like a lot of people will be there and I’ll just feel more unaccomplished and sad and anxious about whether people are staring at my receding hairline or how loud the appropriate level of voice is in a professional setting or whether my outfit looks weird or if people are staring at me or if people want something from me or if people are afraid of me. That’s a bizarre thought, but I constantly think people are afraid of me. And it’s making me afraid of them. But tbh, that’s ok.

ily <3

My song Better Better etc. is out on streaming things now!

I have enough songs for an album but I’m too nervous to record it, so I keep pushing it off. These songs make me so happy. I want them to be perfect. But I’m not perfect, my voice is terribly wavy, my guitar has 4 dead frets, I only have one really crummy condenser mic that honestly I barely know how to use. There’s this drum thing where you can lean the mic on the bass drum and angle it in the middle above the snare and it captures everything pretty well.

I’m sorry for talking so much. Idk why I’m apologizing because this is my space to be me, but I am. Anxiety man.

Here’s a demo of something: